We used to listen to a lot of X96 (a fine alternative radio station in SLC) in the kitchen when we were baking. At the time, ‘Take My Picture’ had just been released, so they played it no less than 87 times a day. Naturally, I came to detest it.

We had this thing in the kitchen called a proofer. It looked like a big stainless steel refrigerator, and was basically a low-temperature steam oven. All of our bagels were shipped to us frozen and pre-shaped. At night, we would take the frozen bagels, place them on baking sheets, and then place the sheets in 6′ tall baking racks. Each rack held about 20 sheets, about 300 bagels in all. We’d roll the baking racks into the walk-in cooler to thaw slowly overnight– a process known as ‘slacking’.

Each day at around 3:30 am, my baker would usually call me from either the county jail or a ‘kegger’ telling me he wouldn’t be in that day. On those days, I’d show up for work by myself to bake fresh bagels for the morning rush. I’s take the racks out of the cooler and begin applying toppings (e.g. cinnamon/sugar, garlic, minced onion, sesame seeds, etc) to the bagels as necessary. Once the bagels were topped, I would roll the rack into the proofer (big steamer fridge-looking thing) to bring the dough up to a consistent internal temperature and proper level of humidity. (please note: The pre-baking temperature and humidity of the dough are essential for ensuring the bagels will have that delightful, chewy texture. If the dough isn’t wet enough, the bagels will have a dry and bread-like consistency and no one wants that. If you wanted to eat bagel-shaped bread, you’d buy your bagels from a supermarket. If the bagel dough is warmer on the surface than in the center, or if the center is still partially frozen when you put them into bake, the bagels just turn into crap. Thanks)

Sorry, I got side-tracked again for a minute there. To the point: The smell of raw bagel dough is not in and of itself a bad thing; nor are garlic, caraway seeds, cinnamon, or asiago cheese in any way offensive by themselves. But when you open that proofer door to retrieve the rack of raw, multi-flavored, fully-topped bagels from their hot steam bath . . .man oh man . .. the aromatic assault of humid, toe jam-esque funk is nauseating beyond description. (Imagine combining the smells of sweaty gym socks, cinnamon, garlic, chocolate chips, and yeast, and you might kind of get the idea.) And since I’m not a morning person to start with, I already began each day with a stomach ache. To make matters worse, I would down something like 11 or 12 espressos throughout the morning to keep me awake.

I started my job at the bagel shop right after New Year’s. Everyone who knows me knows that I love cologne and K had given me a bottle of Armani’s Acqua di Gio that year for Christmas. It’s a light, clean, almost soapy smelling cologne and I LOVED it. So like anything I get excited about, I went totally overboard and wore WAY too much of it everyday. For weeks on end. But after a month or two of waking for work in the middle of the night, getting kicked in the nostrils every morning with that warm cinnagarlic-footonion-dough smell, and drinking myself sick with espresso, the cologne started to make me gag. Every time I put it on, all I could think of was asiago cheese. It was like a $60 bottle of cologne and I had to give it away to K’s brother because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Hearing that Filter song has almost exactly the same effect. That song actually SMELLS bad to me. I still gag every time I’m near someone who’s wearing Acqua di Gio. I lasted at Einstein’s for all of about 8 months. I don’t hate the company, though I do blame them for causing me to know what it is to really, really hate something. And I don’t hate the guys from Filter for writing that song, and I don’t hate Giorgio Armani. But I bet NONE of them ever has ever baked a single bagel.

So now you know. . .

Please, don’t hate.

J